Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
I can't wait to find out the true size of his penis! Please maintain enough sobriety for an accurate report.
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
Randomize
