all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
I'd like to be considered more than just his fuck buddy thanks. IVE BEEN RISKING PREGNANCY FOR SEVEN GODDAMN MONTHS I DESERVE THE TITLE OF GIRLFRIEND
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
Then pass out next to me, I'll be under a pong table or a park bench. Really depends on the weather during Mifflin
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
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