I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
It just makes me feel nauseous. And I don't want to feel nauseous when all I really want is to get off.
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
Randomize
