Dude i fell asleep inside of her
thats awesome
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
You may now shotgun with the bride
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
You're an independent woman who is defined by her own actions and not by whether or not you have a man. You also have great tits.
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
Randomize
