im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
Yeah. My legs are trembling...hard to walk. Feels like a neon arrow is pointing at me saying "just had sex (with not his wife)"
i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
I just want someone to put their head on my boobs and laugh at my jokes ....
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
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