What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
For reals. He's my age and he still hangs out at his frat house & gets hammered every weekend. Idk if I'm jealous of him or if I pity him
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
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