Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
No. Please No. At first it was cool when you started bring an extra girl home for me but after 2 cycles of clap medicine I'm putting an end to it.
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
Randomize
