I've decided through careful research we can out drink any country folk.
I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
Sangria Flip Cup was probably one of our worse drunken decisions
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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