are you sure you're not interested? he's the dunkin donuts employee of the month.
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
We just catapulted a jelly bean off of his hard dick into his mouth.......Happy Easter!
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
Randomize
