Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
I got otter pops to cool the beers, it's an all around better idea.
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
yes i am an adult who snuck out of my parents house to cuddle with a guy and then came home and listened to taylor swift. judge me all you want.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
Randomize
