We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
Randomize
