He only uses me for sexual pleasure. The sad part is I don't even feel like a slut. I just I feel like I should just live in the top drawer of his nightstand....for free of course.
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
just saw a girl come out of the tanning bed room on crutches, now thats determination
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
I inadvertently smoked 6 blunts at one time. We just kept passing them around...I didn't know what happened until it was over. I can't walk.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
Randomize
