Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
Randomize
