loyola was giving a tour this morning and they all saw me in a half ripped off toga throwing up over the side of the dorm stairs
you don't even go to loyola anymore
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
That would make regret #10
He was more like the original regret
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
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