All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
I officially became the girl who let a guy get her off under the covers last night while her roommate and a friend were there. He was impressed by my ability to stay quiet and stay relatively focused on the conversation...
I am so ashamed of you, and yet so proud.
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
Theyll love you, its bunch of older ladies who drink whisky and sours and talk about the sex seans in Game of Throwns
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
Randomize
