She has HUUUUUUUGE nipples
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
We can just chill or day drink or smoke or watch law and order marathon or play just dance 4 or watch a movie or go to the movies or play hide and seek or hug, so many options
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
