I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
She had a baby and now works at Hooters. She is the poster child for peaking in high school.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
You're too morally constrained. I firmly believe that you should be less concerned with how young she is and more excited by the fact that she's not jailbait by virtue of a legal technicality.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
Randomize
