i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
I kindof just wanted to go downstairs and let his dad know how good his son was at sex
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
pray to the hookup gods
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
after last night, ive never not wanted to live so much in my life.
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
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