I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
Randomize
