I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
I just feel like a little gay dolphin in a massive sea
I have managed to reach the 'after meth poster look' before lunch here...
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
I really love you gals. I'm sorry again. I'm just super protective of my poutine
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
I HAVE A STRAIGHT LINE ACROSS MY ASS ABOUT THE WIDTH OF A SLIM JIM. ERICA!
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
She is still drunk from the night before, sitting here eating KFC mashed potatoes and drinking Arbor Mist before Anatomy lab.
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