How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
its one thing to be single and another thing to be single and then have your profile picture be of you and the cat
your picture is with misty too!!
I AM SINGLE BY CHOICE
Well she got high, deleted the essay she was working on, and then ordered dominos. We all manage stress in different ways.
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
I've sent two unsolicited tit pictures in less than 24 hours. I'm the female version of a fuckboy.
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
Randomize