Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
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