I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
Your kinda stuck between a rock and his hard dick on this one..
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
Btw I have come to the conclusion that we really need to do it in a bed. Like at least once..
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
Randomize
