the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
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