god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
walkin around the woods blazed, drawing pictures of trees and plants, i get a grade for this
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
i have a strong feeling that today will be a naked day for me...i don't feel like doing shit
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
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