Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
Well, I guess that settles the question of how thick the walls are in my building.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
We need to talk about the sailor moon porn. Do what you want in your room, but I don't want to come home to you cranking it on the couch to that.
I think my nap took me to another dimension
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
I need a fuck buddy with more available hours
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