i met him on craigslist. and no i'm not a hooker.
So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
3 hour lecture of my biology teacher talking about isotopes and space shuttles. I'm way too high for this.
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
Randomize
