can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
She tried to beat him up using a half gallon of Bacardi, instead she got tangled in Kayla's hanging bra and broke a lamp. She can party with us anytime.
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
We are taking a shrt nap on the sidewalk cme fine me if you want but dont wake me up
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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