....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
we marched down beaver avenue with lit tiki torches humming the olympics opening song.
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
She bit a glass in half.
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
Randomize
