Oh KT! There was no tea in those Long Islands...
So are we goin out tonight?
Dude, we woke up in your car in some parking lot last night...
And that was fun, wasn't it?
Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
you will always have a special place in my vag
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
Sidenote: do you recall your "give me the d" chant
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
Randomize
