Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
Think of all the island guys I could have. Ah well.
You can not bait me into a "how Stella got her groove back" call and response.
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
Randomize
