According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
I can't believe I wasted a google wave invite on her.
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
just got in my apt...and theres jungle juice here i left from over a month ago..this could be interesting...or deadly
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
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