in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
you yelled that ur labia majora was swollen at 3 am in the dorm hallway
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
Food Network. Taking bong rips everytime we want to eat. BOBBY FLAY.
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
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