Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
He'd pee in it. And since it's PBR I'd have no idea
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
Randomize
