I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
We broke the shower door. Completely off. His roommates were not happy but I sure was
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
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