so tomorrow. i'm thinking coinstar then adderall?
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
Go ahead. I tried to back up ur budhism story but she mite be catching on
Dammit. I hoped that would work. Just tell her I'm doing my pilgrmidge to Nepal or something.
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
Randomize
