The worlds most fuckable chipmunk
you started puking right when a nickelback song came on..it was epic
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
