Learned a lot. Like boys with frosted tips still exist. And that they're sensitive to constructive criticism.
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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