Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
I am the poster child for what not to do during sex. Soon they will be calling an undesired position after me
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
