we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
His cuteness will no longer contol my vagina
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
So I figured it out. There's two types of shitters. Moaners and grunters. And on occasion there's a third. It's the ill fabled grunt moaner.
Randomize
