She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.
will you please explain to me as to why or how i have a dirtbike tread looking bruise on my back?
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
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