I just pynch a tree in the face
rainy day on campus = new personal fetish for girls in booty shorts and colorful rain boots
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
I'd call her a cunt, but she dooesn't seem to have the depth or warmth.
Welll when you have a beer at 8:30 am you've already decided whaat kind of Sunday it ism
I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
Chick in class has 69 tattooed on the back of her neck. Target acquired.
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
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