apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
It was like I was gay for pay but except being gay I became straight and instead of for pay it was for coke.
Randomize
