so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
Is it a problem if I'm trying to condition Goodbye Horses to trigger an erection?
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
Randomize
