I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
Lol if he questions who I am I'm gonna send him a pic of his boxers
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
that moment you remember partying with someone several years ago.. and don't remember if you slept with them or not.
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
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