i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
I can't wait for round whatever # we're on tonight.
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
Randomize
