Just fell off a train. Bad.
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
everyone who works at gamestop is basically destined to live with their parents for the rest of their lives... so i said no.
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
I'm about to fuck a girl in an old school Tony Kukoc Bulls jersey. About to earn my third championship ring in sex
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
Randomize
