Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
pedialite and red bull = repair kit
she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
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