Are you okay?
Don't worry. Self-respect preserved. My speech was Grey's quality... I made him cry.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
Randomize
