to do: lose virginity to hamster dance
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
I'm a sociology major remember
Well that and comm
Basically you majored in how to get laid
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
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