shes wearing a jean skirt, its frayed. i got this
Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
I may be a little fuzzy on this, but I think at some point I said something about being a generous lover.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
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