He just left - my room smells like that cheese they put on nachos and cigarettes and beef
Yo quero taco bell
It was perfect I came I passed out in his comfortable bed then a glass of jack Daniels fell from the bed post and spilled all over my face
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
Dude, you need better judgement.Trust me I know. I put my dick in the wrong mouths all the time
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
So how often do you needs to see my tits today then?
Randomize
