I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
Nick had a break down & said to me "Everybody's mad at me, I'm the douchebag, Im the fucking douchebag that everyone hates, Do you wanna come home with this douchebag?!"
You're going home with him aren't you?
I'll see ya in the morning when I leave his house
I just fired a shotgun out of the back of a truck going 60. i am going to miss oregon.
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
how early is too early to start drinking over the gilmore girls revival
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
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