i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
Wow has his pick up routine ever gotten bad. He is trying to use cheese as a way to flirt with the waitress
Oh man, he played the Harvarti cheese card and it didn't work. Now he is flailing
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
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