When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
Apparently I still called the officer "sir" despite the fact I was at a .21 BAC. Southern girls are raised right
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
Randomize
