I either date the nice guys or the assholes. There isn't any in between.
You need to find a taint.
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
look in the field by the highway and see if there is a high heel there. Or some Taco Bell bags.
eating on the run again ?
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
oh so have I but I'd still suck a dick or 20 in the name of freedom.
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
Randomize
