her nipple to breast ratio was just odd
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
A disheveled girl in front of me just looked down, shrieked, and yelled to the girl next to her "what is this" while pointing at two large white stains near the crotch of her black jeans. I love that Thursdays are weekends, it makes awesome Friday mornings
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
Randomize
