I had fun. Till he melissa etheridged my ass and came to my window.
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
He just used the word frick. Is that a possible red flag?
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
Just a little. Like do I say "hey I'm the girl that's fucking your son, nice to meet you"
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
so i went to the bathroom and my thong was on sideways... i guess that solves the mystery
Randomize
