We're hooking up, I have a toothbrush at her place, and yet on leaving her apartment a minute ago we said goodbye with a hi five. WTF?
You're upset about this?
Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
guys are not supposed to queef...right?
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
Randomize
