Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
road dome is illegal, just asked in driving school.
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
He's a prodigy! It would be a service to the scientific community.
15 is 15
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
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