He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
dont eat that thats our sex nutella.
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
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