And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
Randomize
